A Love List

Wow. I've been meaning to write for a while but life with Little T just seems to keep accelerating. Today I finally got myself to pack away her newborn clothes. I didn't cry, but there might have been some tears pushing at the edges of my eyes... It felt a little bit like a funeral. My little girl is not my newborn girl anymore. She's a new Theresa everyday. It's beautiful and wonderful but there's that touch of sadness, too. People say to cherish every moment and I believe it. There are still moments that aren't so easy to cherish (like sleep battles, which are thankfully decreasing), but for the most part I think we really are learning to soak in the joy and privilege and wonder of being Reesy's parents.

The other night Chris and I were laying in bed and he said, "I really love that girl!" "Me, too!" I exclaimed. "Let's make a fan club!" Does it make me sound crazy that I'm really starting to feel like a nearly 5 month old baby is my best friend (next to Chris)? Even if it does, it's true :) I love being with that adorable little baldy more and more every day. I'm so honored to be able to be her mother.

With that, let's write down a love list. Here are just a few of the special little things that fill my days with smiles, laughs, and joy:

-I love the way you smile your biggest, cutest grin and seem to quiver with excitement when I come in singing to pick you up from sleep or a nap. That smile melts my heart every time. There's no greater pleasure.

-I love the way you look up at me as you nurse and cup my breast in both hands. I'm so thankful my body can feed you and that we have these special moments to reconnect, just like when you were growing and feeding inside me.

-I love how you often take little mini breaks from nursing to grin up at me with your sparkling, happy eyes and then happily return back for a little more feasting, confident that you'll get the nourishment you need both in food and love.

-I love the way you laugh and laugh and smile and smile when I kiss your little ears. I love how you turn your head side to side to show each ear in turn for our little game.

-I love how curious you are and how you love to watch everything and reach for everything.

-I love how you enjoy being in nature and the way it calms you just to walk outside.

-I love rocking with you on our porch swing and enjoying peaceful moments together just listening to the birds as you relax on my lap and hold my hands with your perfect little hands.

-I love the way you get so excited when Papa comes home. I love that you two are buddies.

-I love your little dinosaur speak and how you're so excited to practice with language.

-Believe it or not, I actually love when you sneeze and send out mini poo rockets. I guess I never got over the potty humor Bestefar taught me :) These moments always make me laugh.

-I love how you get so excited to sit on my lap and play the piano, using your entire hand to pound down a single key.

-I love how you always want to be carried face-out so you can take in everything.

-I love your gentle, blonde, fluffy little eyebrows--they remind me of little chicks and just add to the sweetness of your face. I also like how your eyebrow skin turns pink when you are getting tired.

-I love kissing your soft little (mostly) bald head 50+ times per day and holding you close and thanking God for you!

-I love how you have so much fun in your bath. I like that you're learning to love splashing (I used to love it, too) even though it might cause mini tsunamis on the counter.

-I love the funny face you make when water gets on your face and how you always try to lick your wash cloth.

-I love how you find such joy in practicing standing--especially standing on Papa's belly. I like how you look so proud of yourself for getting stronger.

-I love the look of pure and innocent and full joy in your happy smiling face when we play.

-I love the way your eyes really do seem to sparkle with life and laughter.

-I love how you like to stretch out your little legs tightly but the fat rolls still remain.

-I love your heart-shaped tongue and how you like to stick it out and laugh.

-I love when you open your big, beautiful blue eyes so wide.

-I love how your little nose scrunches up on one side when you laugh and smile.

-I love how cute and tiny your little neck is and how it's strong enough to support your big, adorable head.

-I love when we lay side by side and read and read and read together. I also love how you sneak little sideways glances at me and smile and study me. I even like when you pull my hair and grab off my glasses. I love that you are so playful.

-I love how you hold your little feet and roll up like a ball. I love to kiss those perfect feet, too, and love the way it makes you giggle.

-(Dare I say it?) I even love (most of the time) waking up with you to feed you in the night, knowing you are safe and happy to hold you close.

-I love the way you've filled our home with love and taught me and Papa to be much better people and so much more complete.

We love you sweet Reesy! Thank you for joining our little family and blessing our little home <3

What are some favorite memories of your little ones? What are some funny little things you love about your babies?

Angels in SUVs

It turns out angels drive black SUVs in Victoria, Texas. At least a lot of them do.

Let's rewind. Happily, I am sitting here now as Theresa peacefully naps. The extreme fussy phase she was in seems to be abating (knock on wood!). But in the midst of it last week, Chris and I were both pretty frazzled. I was feeling pretty depressed and discouraged. It didn't help that the days were long, gray, and rainy and the only thing that would calm my poor baby was a 20-25 minute walk outside in her carrier. So, all day long I went out again and again into the rain with my little baby and my broken umbrella. One morning I think I looked particularly ridiculous: pajamas, unbrushed hair, broken umbrella, walking in the rain throughout the neighborhood at about 7am. Each of these hard days, I was reminded of God's love and mercy. He always pulled me through. I just needed to stop fearing and have faith! One of the things that brought me hope and smiles was the kindness of strangers. Several times different women---most of them in big SUVs---would pull over and offer me a ride. I could tell some of them had gone out of their way to drive over to me. I would smile and explain that I had to walk to help my baby get to sleep and they'd smile understandingly. Just those gestures of care, awareness, and compassion meant a lot. So, thank you SUV angels of South Texas. You helped a new mother keep pressing on :)

Besides my SUV angels, many others served as angels, too, for Chris and I these past weeks. Friends from church reached out and visited. My family and friends talked to me and comforted me as I called them while doing my walking routine each day. The scriptures and words of modern prophets brought me direction and peace. Prayer sustained me. And we are making it! One of the biggest blessings was having my in-laws and my father visit this past weekend. It was such a relief to have help and just to have people around to talk to. We had such a fun weekend and I learned a lot of new tricks for taking care of Theresa. She definitely has some skillful grandparents :) They came just in time when I was really starting to feel at the end of my rope. What a blessing to have a loving, supportive family. I want to give the same gift to Theresa throughout her life <3

Sitting here, I'm reflecting on how we all have the opportunity to join in God's work of lifting people up in their sorrows and struggles. We can all be angels.

Here's one talk that comes to mind on this topic. It's fantastic: https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/you-are-my-hands?lang=eng ("You are My Hands" by Dieter F. Uchtdorf)

This scripture also comes to mind: "...our brethren, the Lamanites, were in darkness, yea, even in the darkest abyss, but behold, how many of them are brought to behold the marvelous light of God! And this is the blessing which hath been bestowed upon us, that we have been made instruments in the hands of God to bring about this great work." (Alma 26:3)

And this: "10 Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God;

 11 For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.

 12 And he hath risen again from the dead, that he might bring all men unto him, on conditions of repentance.

 13 And how great is his joy in the soul that repenteth!

 14 Wherefore, you are called to cry repentance unto this people.

 15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!" (D&C 18:10-15)

So, thank you to all our angels. You made more of a difference than you know. I'm trying to do the same and to be an instrument in the hands of God. Thanks again!

We are here to gain experience

My new life's catch phrase seems to be "I thought I knew. I didn't." I thought I knew how much being a mother would change my life. I didn't. I thought I knew that newborns were challenging, completely dependent, completely beautiful little people. I didn't. I thought I knew that I'd miss sleep. I didn't. I thought I knew that my heart would be forever changed. I didn't. But I'm starting to know. I'm starting to learn. I couldn't understand these things from reading about them for hours, from hearing about them countless times, even from trying my best to empathize. I had to live them.

Motherhood so far has indeed completely changed my life and it's completely changing me for the better, but it's tough. I've learned so many spiritual lessons already. I learn them in peaceful moments and in tearful moments. One of the things that has struck me is that we truly do need experiences to learn deeply. And that's why we are here. 

We have been sent here to the world God created in order to learn and to make choices and have the opportunity to grow and even become like God, our Father.

"And now, behold, if Adam had not transgressed he would not have fallen, but he would have remained in the garden of Eden. And all things which were created must have remained in the same state in which they were after they were created; and they must have remained forever, and had no end.

And [Adam and Eve] would have had no children; wherefore they would have remained in a state of innocence, having no joy, for they knew no misery; doing no good, for they knew no sin.

But behold, all things have been done in the wisdom of him who knoweth all things.

 Adam fell that men might be; and men are, that they might have joy.

 And the Messiah cometh in the fulness of time, that he may redeem the children of men from the fall." (2 Nephi 2:22-26)

So, even though we have trials in this life, we also have the opportunity to have joy. Joy comes as we choose to follow Christ throughout life's journey.

"For behold, this life is the time for men to prepare to meet God; yea, behold the day of this life is the day for men to perform their labors." (Alma 34:32) 

"...nevertheless there was a space granted unto man in which he might repent; therefore this life became a probationary state; a time to prepare to meet God; a time to prepare for that endless state which has been spoken of by us, which is after the resurrection of the dead." (Alma 12:24)

The experiences of this life help transform and prepare us for even greater things to come!

"If thou art called to pass through tribulation...know thou, my [children], that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?" (D&C 122:5-8).

Christ has experienced all the sorrows and trials we will have. He has the power to help us come victoriously through them all and learn what we need to learn.

"...we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience;

 And patience, experience; and experience, hope:

 And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us." (Romans 5:3-5)

Our experiences help refine us when we turn to God.

One of my favorite talks ever is called "The Fourth Watch" by S. Michael Wilcox. Wilcox focuses on the account in Matthew 14 where Christ sends His disciples out to sea to go to the other shore where they will meet up. All night long the disciples struggle on a wind-tossed sea. Only in the fourth watch of the night (very late), does Christ come to them and calm the sea. He could have come right away, but He didn't. This doesn't mean He didn't care or didn't know they were struggling. Wilcox talks about how sometimes in life we don't receive immediate rescue from our circumstances or the blessings we seek. Sometimes what God knows we lovingly need most is experience, even if it is difficult. One part of the talk that I often think of is Wilcox's story about a man (I think it may have been himself) whose father had abandoned him and his mother. For years and years he prayed to be able to forgive his father. Finally, when he himself was a father, he was at last able to forgive. The change of heart he sought came as his little son came in to embrace him. He realized in that moment that his father had lost out on so much more than he had. He felt compassion for his father. It took the experience of being a father himself to have his heart opened and able to forgive.

Every day I'm amazed and humbled by how little I understood about motherhood, about God's plan for His children, and about what it really means to love and serve. Some days are pretty hard when I'm faced with hours of crying to try to soothe and little sleep and energy to do it with. But through it all, I'm starting to appreciate my Heavenly Father more. He loves us and reaches out for us even when we reject Him. He serves us and provides for us even when we give nothing or very little back. He loves us unconditionally. I'm trying to be more like Him. And in the process, I'm blessed with the privilege and sacred calling of helping nurture a tiny little daughter of God who is so sweet and grows and changes so much each day. And I'm blessed with a multitude of new experiences which are stretching me and changing me more and more into the daughter of God Heavenly Father knows I can be.

(Side note: I've experienced so many tender mercies to help me through these new challenges! Blessings of a little more sleep when I needed it desperately; blessings of loving and supportive family and friends; blessings of prayer; blessings of humor; blessings of the beautiful earth God made for us--and so many more! There's a great talk on tender mercies--one of my other favorites--by Elder Bednar. You can check it out here.)

"The Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works. " (Psalms 145:9) 

Oh, and by the way, not every moment of motherhood is a struggle and challenge (although the last days have been especially rough). There is also a lot of joy! One of my favorite recent moments was watching Chris and Theresa go through their Daddy-Daughter after-bath dance ritual. You can check it out below :)

Birth Story

Well, I definitely learned my lesson: no long walks in the night when you are 9 months pregnant unless you want to be up all night laboring! Still, meeting your beautiful, healthy baby girl in the end makes it all worth it.

So, here is the story.

I had my regular 39 week OB appointment on Monday, September 22nd. At this point, I hadn't had any contractions or even Braxton Hicks contractions as far as I knew. (And I assumed you'd know them when you felt them.) Mom had told me that she had contractions for weeks before I was born and so I was expecting that our baby girl would probably not be arriving for a while. Chris and I were getting so excited for her to come! To help myself not be disappointed, I told myself she probably wouldn't be born until 42 weeks--sometime mid October. As soon as I'd convinced myself of this, little Theresa decided to prove me wrong :)

Starting the next day (Tuesday), I began to have contractions. I also had the bloody show. I was working from home and it was kind of funny to be tutoring people in English while feeling like I was in a squeeze press. The contractions felt like menstrual cramps and I wasn't too worried about them. I still thought labor was weeks away. Still, just to make sure to move things along, I was taking morning walks with my neighbor, Margie. I'd heard walks were the magic way to bring along labor :)

Chris was so cute during all this time. Every day he kept asking if it was time yet. He couldn't wait to meet his baby girl. He took me out for a special date on Wednesday night, thinking it might be our last chance for a while. Later he also told me he thought it'd be good to get me a nice, filling meal in case I was about to go into labor!

Fast forward to Thursday: I told Chris I was having a pizza craving and so we decided to walk to Pizza Hut, which was about 1 1/2 miles from our house. This was not such a smart plan! Along the way I had to keep pausing for contractions. They were definitely getting stronger but I still thought I at least had a few more days until baby would arrive. We had a really nice dinner and I ate way more pizza than I realized was possible for me. We walked home and the contractions kept coming. I tried to rest at home but they kept getting stronger and more frequent. It finally hit me that this was probably the real deal. Labor really started to intensify around 10 pm and so I started timing and charting my contractions. They were getting pretty painful and I tried to distract myself by cleaning up and tidying up as much as possible--good old nesting instincts. I was amazed at how much I got done between contractions! Little did I know, I probably should have just been resting! By 1 am, my contractions were 3-4 minutes apart and pretty regular (and painful). From what I'd read, this meant it was time to go to the hospital. Luckily, I'd finally packed my hospital bag the day before! We got everything ready and started to head out.

Oh, I forgot a funny story! While I was laboring, I also was trying to eat and drink as much as possible because I knew I wouldn't be allowed anything but ice in the hospital. I told Chris I really wanted a milkshake as we were laying down trying to sleep. So, we got in the car and drove around trying to find some place that was open. All this time I was having pretty painful contractions which seem to feel worse in a car! Finally, we found a place! I had to use the restroom like crazy and so I had Chris drop me off at Walmart and he went to go to the drive through. I didn't have shoes on and probably looked ridiculous hobbling to the bathroom in my pajamas, trying my best to look normal. Chris was still in the drive through line when I was ready and so I stood out in the parking lot, pacing around. The restaurant was across the parking lot and so I decided to slowly make my way there. The walking and the cool night air actually helped a lot, but again, I'm sure I looked pretty wild contracting and hobbling along in only socks and pajamas.

Anyway, around 1 am, we drove to the hospital at last. Chris dropped me off right at the ER entrance. I had to pause for a big contraction before going in. While trying to check in, I was panting and kept having to pause to contract. Finally, I was checked in and a nurse from labor and delivery came down to meet me. She asked if I wanted a wheel chair and I said I thought I could make it. We started walking down the hall and I had to pause every few steps to contract. I decided the wheel chair might not be such a bad idea if I wanted to make it to L & D in less than an hour :) In the L & D wing, I was sent to the triage room. The nurse told me to relax so she could check a few things but I was panting and contracting like crazy. Relaxing was not something my body seemed to understand. To me, the contractions seemed very painful but manageable. They were like extreme menstrual cramping. I was pretty sure I'd be dilated to at least 6 centimeters. However, after being examined, I was told I was only at 4 centimeters! I almost started crying. I couldn't believe it. I was told I could stay in the hospital or go home for a few more hours.  If I stayed in the hospital, I wouldn't be able to eat anything and would be on an IV and have restricted movement. I didn't want that and I wanted to avoid interventions and so I decided to go home. While in the hospital, my contractions had become irregular and spaced back out to 8-13 minute intervals. The instant I left and started moving again they started to increase in strength and frequency again!

Feeling somewhat discouraged, we went home. I tried to rest, but laying down was the most painful position. I couldn't hold still. For hours, I wandered the halls as Chris tried to get a little sleep. At this point he still wasn't sure if he'd have to go into work the next day. The contractions were becoming much longer and much more painful. I'd thought I'd gotten to the worst of them hours before but I was definitely wrong. The pain started to feel more like a sharp stabbing going all the way through to my back. It was the worst pain I'd ever experienced and kept increasing. I was worried I might accidentally break off different parts of our house I was using to pull or push on during contractions! I tried to rest when I could but this usually led to an extra painful contraction after a few minutes of rest. I worked hard to use good breathing techniques and to talk myself through things. I'd heard and could feel that the contraction pains were like waves with peaks of pain. When I felt one starting I'd breath to myself "ride the wave; ride the wave" and it seemed to help me get through the peaks and know the pain would at least subside for a while. Finally, around 4 or 5 am my contractions were quite long and more like 2 minutes apart in regular intervals. I woke Chris up and told him I really felt it was time to go this time. I had tried my best to wait as long as I could. I felt so drained of energy. I'd been up since about 5am Thursday morning when Chris had gotten up to get ready for work, so at this point it'd been 24 hours since I'd slept.

We got back to the hospital again and had to go through the same steps again. This time, to my gratitude and surprise, I was dilated to 8 centimeters. Originally, I had really wanted to do a natural birth. However, I felt so worn out and was in such pain that I decided to ask for an epidural. I felt, for me, it was the right thing to do. In retrospect, I think I could have gone through with a natural birth, had I known I only had a few more hours to go. However, I was worried that my labor might go on for many, many more hours as I knew it often did and I didn't think I could carry on without getting a little rest. Plus, I'd heard that sometimes an epidural could help a fatigued mom actually give birth sooner. As I waited, a wonderful nurse encouraged me and talked me through my contractions. She was very empowering and told me how well I was doing and what great control I had. She coached me in breathing and it helped a lot. I wish I had had her with me longer. It made a big difference to have someone there who seemed to feel so confident in my abilities. Chris and I both knew so little (even though we'd read a lot). It helped to have someone around with experience.

Eventually, I got the epidural after waiting about an hour and continuing with long, painful, frequent contractions. It was such a relief. I was finally able to rest a little and felt so grateful. I was continuing to dilate and it wasn't long before the doctor was called. My doctor actually wasn't available but another OB about whom I'd heard great things was able to come--Dr. Maria Torres. Around 7 am, I was fully dilated and ready to push. The epidural drip had been stopped and all throughout I'd still been able to move my legs (due to not getting a huge dose) and so thankfully I was able to push, though I couldn't feel much. I wish I'd been able to feel more for pushing. There were several nurses and Chris all around me. It felt wonderful to be encircled by people there to help. Chris was so funny and cute and kept telling funny stories in between pushing sessions and making everyone laugh, believe it or not. He'd been great supporting me, especially in the last hour as I was in the most pain and waiting for the epidural.

As I was pushing, I could hear that our baby's heart rate didn't sound right. The doctor and nurses didn't seem to worried, but they were talking about it. I kept asking questions. Her heart rate sounded way too slow. All throughout labor, I'd been praying for help and strength. At this point, my prayers increased in fervor for the health of our baby and for her safe delivery. I really wanted to avoid a C-section, and prayed she'd be able to be born vaginally if possible. Dr. Torres decided to use the suction cup tool to help on my next pushing session. After one or two tries with this tool to help, Theresa was born at 8:11 am. She was given to me right away and the instant I saw her I burst into tears. I felt so much love for her, so much gratitude. I wanted to hold her forever. I'd heard newborns don't always look pretty but to me she was absolutely beautiful. I just held her and held her. My own sweet baby. It was amazing. I couldn't stop crying with joy.

Chris got to cut her umbilical cord and later she was washed and weighed and everything. She weighed only 5 pounds, 12 ounces and was 18 inches long. I couldn't believe such a small girl was so difficult to push out! From there began our journey as parents. We spent two days in the hospital with our sweet girl and then brought her home. Mom came to join us the day we went home and provided great help. Today is Theresa's 2 week birthday and she is healthy and well. I'm so very grateful to God for her. We went in this morning for her 2 week pediatric appointment and she has surpassed her birth weight and grown a little, too! She now weighs 6 pounds and 1 ounce and is 19 inches long. She is a wonderful baby. People kept telling us our whole lives would change with a baby. I thought I knew what they meant. I didn't. But they were right. We love our girl so much--more than we could imagine. We are so thankful she made it safely into the world.

Looking back, in some ways I wish I had gone through with my plans of having a fully natural birth. However, I prayerfully chose to have the epidural and I think it helped me have a more positive birth and post-birth experience overall. I felt proud of myself for all of the hours of labor I went through and felt at peace. I still do. I'm grateful God was with me every step of the way. I'm grateful Chris was by my side all the way, too. And I'm so very grateful little Theresa entered the world healthy and well. She is a true gift and light in my life <3